Ten items you should know about Kim Jong Il, the late dictator of North Korea. These are from official government documents so you know they are 100% true:
- He had a divine birth under a double rainbow on a holy mountain. (Actually born in small a Siberian village).
- He loved roasted donkey which he preferred to eat with silver chopsticks. Clearly that explains why he was such a…..short person.
- He reportedly walked at 3 weeks, talked at 8 weeks and during the three years he attended a university he wrote 1,500 books and six world class operas. Of course, they are all protected state documents.
- The first (and only) time he played golf he shot a 38 under par and had 11 holes in one. This was verified by 17 bodyguards. He never played again because he had completely mastered the game.
- National documents state that he was an international fashion icon. At 5’3” he wore elevator shoes and big hair which is why everybody in the world emulated him.
- He invented the hamburger.
- He loved giant waterslides. He had several of those big twisty turny ones built at his palace. You had to be less than 5’3” to go down them. Okay, that part I made up.
- He actually advertised phony growth pills to lure short people to meetings. They were kidnapped and exiled on neighboring islands. He did that to improve the gene pool. Plus he liked being the big man on campus.
- He drank $7-800,000 of cognac a year. His people were starving but he had a good buzz.
- He did not defecate…..ever. Which explains why he was so full of…..stuff.
Doesn’t his son look like the kid from the movie “Up?”
Sorry, I could not pass up one more story about him. A few years back he imported 12 giant rabbits from a German breeder in order to help with the severe food shortage in his country. Unfortunately, he threw himself a birthday party that year and served rabbit. Dat Wascal!
Question: What has crashed harder and faster than the stock market of 1929? Answer: The Kardashians! Yes, since Kim’s “marriage/divorce event”, nobody wants to book her. Sponsors, event planners and other promoters are avoiding the whole family. Even viewers of their show have dropped off severely. Talk about a Market Krash!
This past weekend we found out that God loves Tom Brady too, and Tim Tebow is human. The fairy tale season of the Packers turned out to be just that. Sheesh, did the Pack look rough.
This really happened. A friend was looking for used snow blower on Craigslist right after the Packer game ended. Within minutes of the final whistle, this ad went up; Packer jerseys – Large $25, Packer Jacket – Large $25, Packer Hats $3 each, Packer stocking cap $5…assorted Packer items negotiable. Think he was mad?
Jay Z and Beyonce’s baby Blue Ivy or Ivy Blue was born in a brand new luxury hospital suite that was reserved just for them. The suite has been completed for a short time, but nobody (even doctors) was allowed in there in advance. Yes, they’re just like us regular folks.
Speaking of Beyonce – A newly-discovered horse fly in Australia was so booootiful with its golden-haired backside, there was only one name worthy of its beauty: Beyonce. Previously published results from Bryan Lessard, a 24-year-old researcher at Australia’s Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organization, were recently announced on the species that had been sitting in a fly collection since it was captured in 1981 — the same year pop diva Beyonce was born. He says he wanted to pay respect to the insect’s beauty by naming it Scaptia (Plinthina) beyonceae. She is so lucky! Who wouldn’t love to have a horse fly with a golden backside to be named after them?
Poor Rick Perry, he was giving his “I’m gonna eliminate three government agencies” speech again last week. He goofed it up one more time. Now that he’s corrected himself twice, he’s up to four agencies. Next time he should just say “a whole bunch of agencies” and not try to remember how many or which ones.
Michelle Obama says she’s angry at being portrayed in books (and in the press) as an “Angry Black Woman”. Yes, she’s furious and she’s not gonna take it anymore! Grrrrr!
While taping a segment of the Nickelodeon show iCarly, Ms Obama had a line in the show where she told a young girl that she didn’t mind being called “Your Excellency.” We all know it was scripted and she didn’t mean it. About the same time that story surfaced, she was on a little family vacation (again) in Hawaii at cost of about $4,000,000….yes folks $4,000,000. You know just a little Motel 6 vacay like you and I would go on with the kiddies. While skimping as she does on the Big Island, she sent out an email to her personal database asking for a $3 donation to her husband’s election campaign. Think about it – their $4,000,000 vacation and your $3 donation. Why of course, “Your Excellency”.
Finally! Joren van der Sloot got 28 years in a beautiful (not really) Peruvian prison for the 2010 murder of Stephany Flores. About time a guilty person goes to prison.
Now that all the Chevy Volts are being recalled due to potential fire hazards, Government Motors was thinking about renaming it the Chevy Torch…..but the name Torch was already taken by Blackberry. “The Burn Your House Down” was rejected for too many syllables. “Burning Down the House” by Talking Heads was already taken as well.
Did you know that it takes so much electricity to charge one that many no longer consider it green?
What the heck is up with Newt Gingrich? He’s railing on Romney for running a business while at Bain. Romney’s job was to make money for his stockholders. Plain and simple. That’s sure to backfire among the GOP. Time to stick a fork in Newt….he’s done.
I just had a thought…..what kind of name is Mitt? Is it short for something? Mittchell? Mittmer? Mittchard? Mittrick? I cannot figure it out.
Snack maker Hostess is filing its second bankruptcy. We cannot have life without Twinkies! It has been published in several respected journals that the only things that could survive a nuclear holocaust are cockroaches, Keith Richards and Twinkies. Cher only makes the list once in a while.
Speaking of Cher, her daughter/son Chaz is saving up to shopping for a….a….a not a car, not new dancing shoes, not groceries. Mmmmmm, well, you know. Do you wonder how stuff like that is priced?
Speaking of stuff. Do you know about the new show on the History Channel? It’s called American Stuffers. I swear none of this is made up. This is about a lovely family in Arkansas that has a taxidermy business. But what separates them from so many others in their business is that they specialize in pets. But remember, this is Arkansas. On the show I saw, a wonderful couple bring their pet in to “memorialized”. Before we discuss the pet, let’s just say every image that runs through your mind about overalls and regular dental checkups applies here.
Their beloved pet “Chatters” had been hit by a car. Chatters was the biggest raccoon I have ever seen. Apparently Chatter’s Momma must have already fixed dinner so they were going to have her stuffed instead of deep fried. I am talking about Chatters…..not Momma. Well, Momma sobbed and sobbed on and on about how she’ll miss Chatters climbing into bed and laying between her and her hubby. Big Bubba smiled and nodded. I don’t know why. Don’t miss this gut wrencher….it’s touching.
Speaking of gut wrenching, Celebrity Wife Swap is back to help us all feel a little better about ourselves and our significant others. When people like Gary Busey, Flava Flav and Ted Haggard are the celebrities, you know you will feel better about your relationships (even if you are divorced) after watching. I did.
Speaking of celebrities…. Celebrity Apprentice is baaaaack. It’s like the flu….it comes around two seasons a year….only there is no vaccine. First of all, hardly any of the people are celebrities. Second of all, many of them are known for being whackos needing anger management classes. Put little known whackos under pressure and poof! You have a show hosted by Donald Trump’s hair.
Obama’s favorite green project Solyndra which soaked up $535,000,000 taxpayer dollars is taking a little heat again. They are in bankruptcy court now asking to be allowed to pay over $500,000 in bonuses to management. Really. By the way, have you noticed that in spite of all the government loans, subsidies and grants green energy companies always seem to fail? Do you wonder why? It’s because nobody can make money at it. It is not efficient or cost effective. It has become a black hole for billions and billions in federal money. That’s your tax dollars at play….not work. They call it green because it makes you sick thinking about the waste!
John Huntsman just announced he’s dropping his bid for presidency and supporting Romney. Well, at least we heard of one person in that news flash.
What do you think about the conductor of the New York Philharmonic who stopped the music when somebody in the front row’s iPhone sounded that catchy marimba ringtone? Conductor Alan Gilbert stopped the performance and waited until the man turned it off and say it wouldn’t happen again. The follow up is the guy was a business executive who was a 20 year patron of the Symphony. He was devastated. He had just got the iPhone the day before and claimed to have turned the ringer off. But he had forgotten that an alarm was also set. Two days later he called the conductor and apologized. Question: if you turn the ringer off wouldn’t the alarm just vibrate too? Just sayin……
And finally, don’t be depressed because you missed this! “Snooki” made a paid appearance at an autograph signing event at iHip’s booth at the 2012 International Consumer Electronics Show (CES) in Las Vegas on last week. After I wrote that I wondered, is this tidbit in the right place? Should it be last or follow the story about American Stuffers? Not sure. That cold offend pet raccoon owners.
