Are you getting so bitter your face looks like a prune? Have you become dry as chalk dust that America’s Funniest Home Videos no longer makes you laugh?
Not even when the baby starts to giggle and can’t stop?
What about when the big girl takes a swing on the rope towards the pond and the rope breaks planting her nose in the mud? Not a grin or chuckle yet ducky?
Can’t grin when the grown man tries taking his son’s bike up a ramp to show off for the family? No reaction when the ramp breaks and he snacks on plywood and pavement?
Bills got you down? Politics give you flu symptoms? Home values down and gas prices up have you looking at your dog for Sunday dinner?
Well, buck up Beanie there’s funny stuff everywhere! And it’s all true!
Thirsty? Why there’s a fruit drink from Poland called Fart Juice. Hoooooray!
And if you’re still thirsty how about a glass of Schovit chocolate drink from Norway? It’s made by the same company that makes Aass Fatol Beer! A real can’t miss beverage.
You can’t be offended…..other people named it, millions drink it…..I just report it.
Speaking of funny…what does your receptionist’s desk look like? If that is the first piece of furniture that customers see, what impression do they have when they leave? Dirty, old, messy or cheap? Do you have glass in your lobby – like doors, windows or partitions? Are they clean?
Customers begin to make decisions way before you start talking. Dirty, old, messy and cheap are decisions that are difficult to reverse. Look around!
Feeling better now? If your name is Orville or Gertrude and you feel like your life has been completely messed up because of it…..think about these names of Hollywood children.
We are not talking about the moderately goofy ones like Blu Ivy or Willow Sage. We are going to turn our heads and not even consider Sparrow James Midnight or Tu Morrow as odd.
We are going for the doozies like: Zuma Nesta Rock, Poppy Honey Rosie sister to Daisy Boo Pamela and Petal Blossom Rainbow. We are going to consider Moxie Crimefighter, Bronx Mowgli and Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily as funny names.
But who can top the moniker of Lisa Bonet’s (the really pretty one from the Cosby show that is a little loopy) little bundle of love named Nokoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namkaeha? That’s the winner! I think it’s even better when you say it backwards.
It makes Homer James Jigme sound good. And to think each one of those kids had a last name to add too….except Tu Morrow. His name was Tu…..his last name was Morrow. I did not make any of this up. Really!
If you didn’t find any of those Hollywood children names amusing how about a quick trip back to funny food from around the world.
How about Pee Cola from Ghana? If you drink a couple bottles of that do you have to go Pepsi? You can get Crap’s Chocolates from France. They are perfect for Valentine’s Day! Do you wonder if Crap’s comes in white chocolate too?
But my personal fav is that famous beer from Merry Ole England….Piddle in the Hole Beer. And to think they serve it warm. Ah yes, there’s nothing better than a nice warm glass filled to the brim with Piddle in the Hole. I laughed just typing that.
I know, I know it seems like I pick on Queen Michelle a lot and some friends are giving me slack…but wait…she’s on vacation again! Yes, for the 14th time in three years the first lady is on one more luxury vacay in Aspen. That’s less than one month after getting back from a big family thing in Hawaii.
Anybody remember when the Prez was telling us things were tough we all may have to cut back a little? Remember when he suggested things like not going out for dinner so much or you might want to put off your vacation. Apparently that didn’t apply to Michelle. She was on vacation during that speech.
Hear the story about the 40 something year old guy that went for a snack at the Heart Attack Grill? It’s where waitresses dress like nurses the owner is called Doc. Sooo clever! Well, he ordered the Triple Bypass Burger.
It is a mere 6,000-calorie artery-clogging hamburger, which costs around $11, weighs in at 1.5 pounds, and comes stacked with three huge burger patties, cheese, special sauce, a red onion, a sliced tomato, and up to 15 strips of bacon.
And it’s not the biggest they offer….they do have a Quadruple Bypass Burger that has 25 % more of everything! I gained four pounds typing this……
These are the perfect complement to the flatliner fries and butterfat milkshake. They have a fun sign at the door that says “cash only” cuz if you die the check may not clear. Hahahaha! Well some poor dude had a heart attack and nearly died after eating a Triple. Wimp.
Hear about the guy smoking one of those electronic cigarettes? You know they kinda look like a cigarette and give you the sensation of smoking but they don’t burn. Smoke like stuff even comes out when you exhale.
Supposed to be better for you too. I guess they are battery powered and this guy goes to take a puff and it explodes in his face knocking out his front teeth. Yeah, it’s way better for you.
Now you just know he had to be the holier than thou type bragging about how he’s not smoking and these cigs are the answer and you just aren’t with the program. Now when he says stuff his friends just tell him to whistle Dixie.
Good grief! This is the most exciting news Dr. Albert Gore’s heard in some time. Dutch scientists are currently making test tube meat!
The theory is that grazing land is at a premium and we can make beef, chicken, pork – you name it in a Petri dish. I assume the ones for the cattle will be quite large.
Nevertheless, Dr. Gore must be wildly giddy with excitement at the sheer thought of no more methane from those cows tooting our ozone away! But please do not tell this administration…..they will sink billions into it; call it a green project…..then it will fail.
Gas prices are heading upward and fast. Good thing we aren’t wasting our resources here in the states trying to keep those prices down. Yup, we are playing it real smart. We are saving up that oil and gas off shore and the sand and shale oil in the West plus all those reserves in Alaska. We refuse to waste any federal money on that. No sir!
Instead we are wisely putting hundreds of millions – even billions of dollars into failed “green technologies”. FYI, those are the companies owned by friends and supporters of this administration that go broke all the time.
By putting money into them, we are saving the oil and gas that works for another day. I sometimes marvel at the genius of our leaders. They surely know where to buy those smart pills. The Walgreen’s by my house doesn’t have them in yet. But when they do I’ll let y’all know.
I was thinking that Obama’s real expertise is not special skills or policies but in being a product of his time. He has mastered networking.
He got elected mobilizing people through Facebook, Twitter etc. That’s how the “trendies” do things. He creates a network, which creates an image which drives policies. That’s what got him elected the first time……buzz.
Bet he knows how to use all the apps on his Smartphone. It’s far beyond what others can or will do.
Another Pekinese won at Westminster. The judge, a Ms Wilma Belafontaine wore an ample sized black dress, her hair pulled back in a bun and those old lady shoes that were neatly tied and oh so sensible.
She studied the dogs very carefully for some time. She checked teeth, coat, paws, back, heads and privates (after all it was for best in show). Then after much consideration she picked the ugliest dog of them all. A Pekinese! 
Even God laughs when he looks at one. Jeeeez Wilma, clean your flipping glasses! My Mom has fuzzy slippers that look better than that and they don’t make that creepy snorting sound!
Boy you got to hand it to the Republicans this year. They certainly look like the schizoid party united. It appears that they are lining up behind Santorum this week (it’s his turn).
Even Democratic groups are pouring money into ads in Michigan for him. They would love to see him run against Obama. And the six remaining Tea Party members would be happy to see that too.
Just as I’m typing this I read Obama’s Super Pac is running ads against Romney in Michigan. Does this tell you GOP backers anything? Well?
Martha Stewart’s Chow Genghis Khan won Best of Breed at Westminster. It actually looked like a dog. And that’s a good thing. However, if he looked like a snorting fuzzy slipper he would have won Best in Show.
Serious thought – Whitney, Michael, Elvis, Amy and so many more. We watch how they live their lives and we are oddly fascinated. But we are never shocked when they die. Ever.
Lindsay Lohan is moving on to bigger and better things to jump start her career. Remember when she had one of those? She’s going to host Saturday Night Live!
Heard that the issue of Playboy she was in sold a gazillion copies. I don’t get it……like nobody’s ever seen freckles before. Apparently a lot of freckles.
Chris Brown and Rihanna are fighting to stay together. Oops bad choice of words.
Speaking of a black eye….If you are in the retail business take a good look at your store entry. Does it have a nice clean appearance that invites people into your store? Or does it look like anybody that has a notice of a fish fry, school dance, baby sitting services, an old Maytag for sale or any other subject taped stuff to your window?
Clean all of that up. You’re not helping the cause and you’re not selling used sofas. None of that belongs in your front window. If you are going to do something like that, have a proper bulletin board and keep it neat and organized. Your store will appear much more professional.
Charlie Sheen said that Ashton K really sucks in the show “Two and Half Men”. Then he turned around and said he didn’t mean it and he’s sorry.
Will it be that easy for the Republicans? Think about it…..you spend millions and millions to discredit somebody and negatively attack them for being alive. Then they win the nomination and you have to hold hands and sing Kumbaya. Makes you want to roast marshmallows.
It’s like going through a brutal divorce then hanging out with the ex for Christmas with the kids and the in-laws. Kumbaya my Lord, kumbaya.
Recently a woman gave birth to a baby weighing over 19 pounds. The little round faced cherub came out wearing a business suit, carried a briefcase, had a full set of teeth, and a goatee. He stood next to the doctor, pointed in the sky and in a cute little man voice said, “The plane, the plane”! (Fantasy Island if you don’t get it.)
Look at the pictures – it’s funny!
Scientists have discovered a new “Earth” and claim it’s like no planet we have ever seen before. What the article said I will simply will cut and paste it right here: “Scientists have discovered a new type of alien planet — a steamy waterworld that is larger than Earth but smaller than Uranus.” Now you know everything.
Sad to see the passing of Whitney Houston. Great voice and messed up life. She’s been dating Ray J (he’s got a history) who is 17 years her junior. There is going to be a lot of “stuff” come out about her death and the events leading up to it. Just wait and see.
Fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld referred to singer Adele as fat. He used to have a weight problem…now he weighs under a hundred pounds.
The only real press for a player was when a Boston based website Pawngo dumped 900 pounds of Butterfingers in Copley Square to “honor” Wes Welker for his dropped pass. Ouch!
Speaking of floored….can anybody tell me why that lady is coming out with her memoirs of her fling as a 19 year old with JFK? Who cares? I know….it’s all about the cash. You know, some of the older people thought JFK was such a saint they are likely to think of her as a 19 year old…..floozy.
Seriously, if you look at the overall voter turnout at the GOP primaries, it is lower that it was when Grandpa McCain (yawn) was running. That means voter apathy. For being a sideshow as long as they have, nobody has caught on. Nobody.
Would somebody let Doctor Albert Gore know? He may have to change some speeches he has planned. This confirms that hot air does not impact global warming.
Speaking of…….Russell Brand just turned down $20 million dollars following his break up with Katy Perry. How nice….dumb but nice. It may help him in future relationships. Maybe. Does anybody else think he looks like he needs a shower and clean clothes?
They are burning their country because they don’t want the changes. What do you think the Occupy Wall Street gang and all their affiliated groups will do if our economy doesn’t pick up and we have to make similar changes? Well???
Oh, another important world changing item to note: Jack in the Box (that fancy eatin’ place) has come up with a real winner….a bacon milkshake! I hope I can get a scrambled egg and buttered biscuit on top! Take that Paula Dean. Sssssssnap!
Did you know that statistics show you can improve office employees productivity (and overall health) by up to 25% with a properly adjusted work chair?
Our first lady, Queen Michelle recently told a group of Hollywood high rollers at a fundraiser that her husband has made “remarkable progress” with the economy during his first three years in office.
